Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
