WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
