When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
He better not be in your backpack
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
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