I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
