I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
