i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
