I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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