my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
