respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
