At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
