It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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