Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Randomize
