i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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