God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
