Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
