We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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