ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
Randomize
