Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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