my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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