Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
