all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
