I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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