So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Randomize
