Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
