Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
