Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
