He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Houston, we have a squirter
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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