I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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