You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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