Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Randomize
