So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Randomize
