I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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