Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
