I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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