just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My life is pants optional.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
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