nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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