is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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