im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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