Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Randomize
