My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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