the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Randomize
