gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I lost the right to judge tonight
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
