Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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