My hand turned me down
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Randomize
