Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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