I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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