Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
