I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
