dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
