clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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